No Guilt Allowed

It was a good day for me today, much better than the previous two. I knew it would be hard to have two babies at home at once, but I never imagined I'd be one of those moms who wouldn't get in a shower or a meal because she was so overwhelmed. Everything had been going really smoothly until just this week, when breastfeeding has taken over my life. Since getting both girls at home, I've been struggling a bit with breastfeeding. I wanted more than anything to have two breastfed babies, but I finally threw in the towel last night.

I'm convinced that if it was just one baby who hadn't been taught to bottle feed in the NICU for the first month of her life, I could most certainly make it work. However, we're still supplementing the girls with extra calories, thus having to give her a bottle of supplemented breastmilk several times a day. The more they use the bottle, the worse they are at getting their milk fresh from the source. It's a lot more work to breastfeed, so they get lazy and sleepy and don't eat much. Then half an hour later, they're hungry. All week, it's pretty much been the cycle of feed a baby, burp her, put her to sleep. Then repeat those steps with the second baby. As the second baby is finishing up, calm her sister, who has just woken up hungry again. And on and on and on. Meanwhile, I've been famished and frustrated beyond belief - not wanting to cave in and give them formula.

So today, I decided to simply pump the milk and feed them from the bottle exclusively. That way I could see just how much milk was coming out. Sure enough, there's been just enough to keep up, and with each pumping, I got ahead just a little bit. By the time DW got home from work, I had an extra 3 oz. in the fridge. What a much better day for all of us!

I really struggled with this decision, but I'm not sure why. For some reason, there's a lot of guilt here. I talked it over with my ever-supportive DW, and he backs my decision 1oo percent. He pointed out that I need to give myself a break - and take the time to sleep - and not try to get ahead of two babies at once. He reminded me that this way, we'll know the babies are getting enough food, they'll be more content, and I'll have some much-needed freedom (i.e. time to eat lunch, shower, etc.). What a relief that he's ok with this. And when I start feeling guilty, I just remind myself that the girls are still getting that good breastmilk, and that there's really nothing wrong with bottles. After all, I'll be pumping and giving them bottles once I go back to work anyway.

Whew! I must say, making the official decision has done a world of good for my mental health. Our nurse came out to the house to weigh and measure the girls again today, and she and I talked about feeding quite a bit. She also has twins - 9-year-old boys. And she helped me keep this all into perspective. I know that I'm doing the right thing for both the girls and for me.

Breanna and Lillian are growing wonderfully still. Breanna's a whopping 8 lbs., 2 oz. and 20 inches long! Lillian is exactly two pounds lighter and is 18 1/2 inches long. Yay for both of them! They're both sleeping soundly in their crib right now, and DW is in the bed next to them. All three are breathing softly in unison. What a peaceful feeling. On that note, I'm going to join them. Sweet dreams, friends.